Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Dreamt of space aliens and doughnuts.

As I'm writing this it was only the night before that I had one of the weirdest dreams in quite a while. It wasn't exactly a nightmare, but then again I wouldn't say it was pleasant either. It was however, rather bizarre to say the least.

So just before I went to bed, I jokingly tweeted (on Twitter, obviously) that I was already asleep with a few Z's and that I was "dreaming of cruising down the streets of Newcastle in the Bat-Mobile, wearing my birthday suit". Then I perused Sophie Horn's hooters on my phone, as a replacement for bedtime stories for when I was child, then went to sleep which might have been due to less blood flowing to my brain and more of it down...

Anyway, next thing I knew, I just arrived at the terminal of some airport. I wasn't sure whether I was catching a flight or if I had just landed from one. It looked like Neo-Tokyo to me, with all the hi-tech architecture and cyberpunk feel surrounding me. As I was in the terminal, sitting, waiting patiently for God-knows what, the big glass ceilings shattered all of a sudden as figurines of 7-foot giants just fell from the sky and onto the marbled floor.

With mostly cyborg-looking bodies and wavy pink tentacles on their equally pinkish heads, these aliens highly resembled the baddies from Crysis 2, a console game that I recently bought. And if you knew me to any extent, let me just clarify that "tentacles" and "aliens" really did appear in my dream, it is not an excuse for me to write hentai "cartoon porn" fan-fiction simply because no such theme ever occurred in my dream (much to my disappointment, might I add).

These aliens, much like the ones in Crysis 2, had the intention of wiping out the human race which was very apparent as they started shooting their Star-Trek style assault rifles in all directions. But rather than panicking or being defenceless, it just so happened that I too, at the time, had an equally awesome plasma rifle that I just so happened to have in my inventory (it is a dream remember?). And by inventory I mean said weapon just popped out of my ass as if I was Nico Bellic in GTA:IV who could miraculously whip out his bazooka out of his suit, track-bottoms or whatever he chooses to wear on a Wednesday evening.

So in an attempt to look like a bad-ass with the convenient excuse of self defence, I started firing back at these aliens. And so started an epic laser-gun fight, epic within the limitless boundaries of my wild and somewhat pervy imagination. Carousels were destroyed beyond repair from laser fire, trolleys and airport luggage blown to smithereens, and the duty-free shop was burnt to hell and was giving off a weirdly erotic smell, perhaps due to the combined smoke coming from the exotically flavoured tobacco.

After an hour and a half (in dream-world) of trading what was essentially highly polarised and concentrated light beams, I finally prevailed by head-shooting the lot of them, and after killing 7 aliens in a row, my iBlackBerry beeped, indicating that I had the opportunity to call in back-up in the form of a Harrier with a mini-gun attached to it. I called it in, and the bird of steel was being such a bastard to these aliens that it's killing spree for some reason rewarded me with even more death from above in the form of a Chopper Gunner, and a after few kills later from death being shat from above, my dreamt up iBlackBerry prompted me to use some Tactical Nuke which was now at my disposal. Having played Modern Warfare 2 for quite sometime, I should have realised that activating my Tactical Nuke meant the death of everything. So in my dream, I saved the world from an alien invasion at the expense of the whole world itself.

Even after the demise of everything as we know it, I still had some kind of consciousness and can only conclude that I was in the afterlife, and despite all of my sins, I was in heaven. I came to this sort of reasoning because a) I was supposed to be dead after that Tactical Nuke and b) All of a sudden I was lying on top a mountain of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Were they assorted Krispy Kreme doughnuts? No, they were of the good ol' sugar glazed kind, which has always been the darling of doughnuts for me.

Just as I was about to take a bite of heaven, my iPhone rang. My iPhone in real-life. The same iPhone which I'm using to write this blog now. It's quite upsetting really, when your dream is interrupted by a phone call. Especially when that dream was starting to get pleasant. Especially when that pleasant dream wouldn't have lead to the risk of changing the bedsheets afterwards.

I'll admit that this isn't the best piece of writing I've come up with, but that's because I was more focused on telling the story of my dream as it was rather than anything else, really. Having said that, next time, rather than trying to fill up what is supposed to be my blog with boring-ass dreams, I shall write about the things I normally write about. Rants and a whole load of shit.

And maybe come up with some hentai fan fiction featuring pink tentacles.

Saturday, 16 April 2011

Malaysian Politics (Part 1)

This is just a bit SATIRE, whether it's a good read or not is down to your opinion. But like every piece of satire, there is an element of truth in said piece of writing/work. Actually, is this satire?!

So yeah, as a Malaysian you would already be familiar with, or at least have some idea of the political arena in Malaysia. Whatever your political views may be, here are a few obvious things we can all agree on:Malaysian politics is very tribal, to say the least. Every political party has it's own faction of the three main races (Malays, Chinese and Indians). Undeniably there are racial connotations, which I'll prattle on about elaborate later.

Malaysian politics can be quite "entertaining" at times, in the sense that it is more of a soap opera that creates newspaper headlines which look like they could've popped out from MAD magazine or even "Gila-Gila". Scandals are more of an issue than the country's/people's economical/lifestyle concerns, and perhaps it is these political scandals that give Malaysian politics the reason to even exist in the first place, because let's face it, real-life and proper politics is just damn boring. Education system what?! What about the healthcare in that rural area?! Whatever, guess which motherfucker in Parliament ogled at some Lady-Boy's hooters. WTF?! And when people (and "ghosts") go to the polling booths, their decision to vote for which politician/party will depend on who had the best toupee that day, like Monk Vellu, or whether that guy really did have fun fun fun fun on a Friday night with some tantalising Lady-Boys, where the next morning they all woke up on the wrong end of a cocaine high.

In addition to that, in Malaysia, politicians are viewed as celebrities, whether anyone is willing to admit that or not, that is the sad truth. Take another country for example, which isn't Malaysia... Say, any friggin' country. A gossip magazine will have some life-inspiring headline such as "Kerry Katona gives birth to another billion monstrosities, enough to devour the whole of Iceland, the country, not the supermarket". In Malaysia, the equivalent to Kerry Katona, Heather Mills and Olivia Munn wrapped into one, is none other than the "First Lady of Malaysia", which apparently is that Rosmah woman, the current Prime Minister's wife. You cannot argue that she has this obsession to become Malaysia's Next Top (and ONLY) Model. While politics, in the eyes of some, is taken very seriously as the activities that are associated with the governance of a country and it's people, to Rosmah it's just a popularity contest, really, a pedestal for her in hopes that she can someday appear on the front cover of Vogue magazine. The self-proclaimed First Lady would very much like to be more popular than Lady Gaga, which, let's face it, won't be the case... Ever. Showbiz in Malaysia is alright (in terms of people making a career and living off it), but nobody really gives a flying poo about which actor/actress made out at Dunkin Donuts or where-ever, but in other news, I saw that guy in PAS UMNO snogging this very vivacious woman in front of 7-11, which, instead of a few column inches, will fill up the entire newspaper/magazine, because that's what Malaysians want to read. They don't care if Mawi wants to endorse noodles on T.V.

I don't know why I am writing this. Actually, I do. It's because, as usual, I am bored shitless. And now I'm bored writing this shit. Did I say I was going to elaborate on Malaysian Politics being "very tribal"? Whatever, I'm too bored to do that too. There's a reason why I didn't really tag anyone in this Note in the first place, because I never had the intention of writing this for anyone to actually read it. I just wanted to waste 2 hours of my life which didn't involve libido-inducing material.

Having said that, if you're familiar with Malaysian politics, you have to agree with what I just wrote... Kinda... Heheheheh... Right?

Things I Hate on Facebook

This "piece of shitty writing" was done ages ago, on Facebook, but I decided to post it again, anyway, here, just to make it my first "Blog" post . It was first posted on 17th December 2010

Top Ten...
... Things I hate on Facebook.

10) Farm-Vile: It has been 2 years since I last played that abomination of a game. I am not sure how much the game has changed since, not that I care. I can't remember what it was that I planted, be they sticks of celery or Marijuana (can someone check my farm out if they don't mind?). Either way, only the combined power of Christ and Buddha can revive whatever it was that was on my farm, including several thousand black sheep which I never bothered to care for. It's amazing how some people dedicate their time to such pointlessness. But then again, I actually spent £120 of real money just to buy gems for Restaurant City on the iPhone. A bit hypocritical, much?

9) People with pointless statuses: "I had Yorkshire pudding! Yum!" or "I had a nourishing bowl of pasta for breakfast! Yum!" or even "I'm reading His Dark Materials by Phillip Pullman! Yum!". Honestly, who the fuck cares. Please come up with something more interesting like "I downed a bottle of vodka and I'm now on the way to the library" or "I wonder if diarrhoea is a Newtonian liquid or Bingham-plastic?" or "ZOMG I find the secretary at the school office so attractive even though she's 5 generations older than me" or "I puked all over my own face in front of the casino in Newcastle at 4:10 a.m". It makes it all the more worthwhile when I'm logging on Facebook, so I can appreciate what fascinating lifestyles my Facebook friends have.

8) Account--> Account Settings--> Language--> English (Pirate)
I tried that about a year ago, and thought it might be fun, which it isn't. It was only a few weeks ago that I changed it back to what I presumed to be normal English. What's with all the "Arrrrssss" and the "Yaaarrrrsss" anyway?! I like the way they give names to some of the modern nouns, but I still hate it overall. Oh, did you know if you actually log in with your Facebook language as Pirate, it actually remains that way on the computer even if somebody else logs in with a different Facebook account (Something to do with cookies I suppose)? So if you're a bit of a prick you can just quickly log in and out on a few public computers and pray the next person who uses it for Facebook is going to be some Hungarian who'll have the time of his/her life trying to figure out how to log out back again.

7) People with over 50 billion friends on Facebook: Let's face it, you don't (have that many friends), the only people you really interact with is your mother (which you added on Facebook), your aunties, your siblings and maybe your small social circle of misfits. The only reason why you've got thousands of "Friends" is because those who bothered accepting your friend request thought you would be of minimal threat and just like what you had in mind, are only on their friends list to make up the numbers. Do you even know most of the people on your contact list? When was the last time you posted anything on the Wall of that paedophile from Lithuania?
(I know some of you tagged have passed the 1,000 mark, but please don't be offended by what I just wrote, I am not getting at you. I'm referring to only of one of you who wishes to be Korean... I'm not on about you Michelle, don't worry, I know you don't want to be Korean, you want to be everything. You and your cosplay, you!)

6) Pointless Facebook pages:
I was succumbed into liking this page, which I did, out of sympathy for the bastard who sent me this link.
(To the person who sent me this link: I'm joking mate, you're alright).

5) Facebook app on the iPhone: Technically this has more to do with the iPhone app itself rather than Facebook as a social network, but hey, it's my list. So for those of you who have Facebook apps on your iPhones/Raspberries or whatever, you'll know that your Facebook app makes annoying noises in order to notify you of any updates which are mostly pointless. So you can imagine how irate I was when I was disturbed from my libidinous slumber only to find out that somebody posted on my Facebook wall with "Hey Isa!! All your Facebook statuses are bongok-la!!! Hahahaha" (Bongok is 'retarded' in Malay, 'la' is just some reflexive meaningless two letter word that most Malaysians say).

4) The lack of a "dislike" button: It's nice to be able to click on the "Like" button to show one's appreciation of a mildly amusing status update or a link to a video featuring kittens wanting cheeseburgers, but what about showing your disdain or disapproval towards Cher Lloyd, Mike Ashley or cheeseburgers eating kittens?

3) How we are all making some Harvard sunavabitch rich by using Facebook even at no cost of our own: 'nuff said.

2) People who spend waaaaay tooo much time on Facebook: You know, those sad sad sad people who waste their meaningless lives by playing Farmville, word cross games on Facebook or even make top ten lists as a form of escapism from what they perceive to be a pretty shite life.

And at number 1, the thing that I hate most on Facebook is...
1) People who fucking tag you in a fucking photo that doesn't even fucking have you in that fucking photo, but rather, they just wanted to get your motherfucking attention so they could show off a photo of them carrying an LV bag or flaunting a Burberry dildo. What's worse than that?! People who tag you in a photo to get your attention of their business in selling shirts. Fucking T-shirts!!!!! T-SHIRTS!!!! TEEEE-SHAAARRRTTTTSSS!!!!

Fucking hell just as I was finishing off this list it happened again!!! Somebody "commented on a photo of me" which has less of me and more of.... FUCCKING HEELLLLL!!!! I know what you're thinking, something like this isn't really worth getting pissed off about, but after going through what I did this week... I... I'm sorry. I apologise. If you, dear reader, managed to read everything written here then, all I can say is, you wasted about 1 second to 60 minutes of your life, depending on how fast you can read. Still, thank you for your time, if you bothered to give any.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays. x