Saturday, 16 April 2011

Things I Hate on Facebook

This "piece of shitty writing" was done ages ago, on Facebook, but I decided to post it again, anyway, here, just to make it my first "Blog" post . It was first posted on 17th December 2010

Top Ten...
... Things I hate on Facebook.

10) Farm-Vile: It has been 2 years since I last played that abomination of a game. I am not sure how much the game has changed since, not that I care. I can't remember what it was that I planted, be they sticks of celery or Marijuana (can someone check my farm out if they don't mind?). Either way, only the combined power of Christ and Buddha can revive whatever it was that was on my farm, including several thousand black sheep which I never bothered to care for. It's amazing how some people dedicate their time to such pointlessness. But then again, I actually spent £120 of real money just to buy gems for Restaurant City on the iPhone. A bit hypocritical, much?

9) People with pointless statuses: "I had Yorkshire pudding! Yum!" or "I had a nourishing bowl of pasta for breakfast! Yum!" or even "I'm reading His Dark Materials by Phillip Pullman! Yum!". Honestly, who the fuck cares. Please come up with something more interesting like "I downed a bottle of vodka and I'm now on the way to the library" or "I wonder if diarrhoea is a Newtonian liquid or Bingham-plastic?" or "ZOMG I find the secretary at the school office so attractive even though she's 5 generations older than me" or "I puked all over my own face in front of the casino in Newcastle at 4:10 a.m". It makes it all the more worthwhile when I'm logging on Facebook, so I can appreciate what fascinating lifestyles my Facebook friends have.

8) Account--> Account Settings--> Language--> English (Pirate)
I tried that about a year ago, and thought it might be fun, which it isn't. It was only a few weeks ago that I changed it back to what I presumed to be normal English. What's with all the "Arrrrssss" and the "Yaaarrrrsss" anyway?! I like the way they give names to some of the modern nouns, but I still hate it overall. Oh, did you know if you actually log in with your Facebook language as Pirate, it actually remains that way on the computer even if somebody else logs in with a different Facebook account (Something to do with cookies I suppose)? So if you're a bit of a prick you can just quickly log in and out on a few public computers and pray the next person who uses it for Facebook is going to be some Hungarian who'll have the time of his/her life trying to figure out how to log out back again.

7) People with over 50 billion friends on Facebook: Let's face it, you don't (have that many friends), the only people you really interact with is your mother (which you added on Facebook), your aunties, your siblings and maybe your small social circle of misfits. The only reason why you've got thousands of "Friends" is because those who bothered accepting your friend request thought you would be of minimal threat and just like what you had in mind, are only on their friends list to make up the numbers. Do you even know most of the people on your contact list? When was the last time you posted anything on the Wall of that paedophile from Lithuania?
(I know some of you tagged have passed the 1,000 mark, but please don't be offended by what I just wrote, I am not getting at you. I'm referring to only of one of you who wishes to be Korean... I'm not on about you Michelle, don't worry, I know you don't want to be Korean, you want to be everything. You and your cosplay, you!)

6) Pointless Facebook pages:
I was succumbed into liking this page, which I did, out of sympathy for the bastard who sent me this link.
(To the person who sent me this link: I'm joking mate, you're alright).

5) Facebook app on the iPhone: Technically this has more to do with the iPhone app itself rather than Facebook as a social network, but hey, it's my list. So for those of you who have Facebook apps on your iPhones/Raspberries or whatever, you'll know that your Facebook app makes annoying noises in order to notify you of any updates which are mostly pointless. So you can imagine how irate I was when I was disturbed from my libidinous slumber only to find out that somebody posted on my Facebook wall with "Hey Isa!! All your Facebook statuses are bongok-la!!! Hahahaha" (Bongok is 'retarded' in Malay, 'la' is just some reflexive meaningless two letter word that most Malaysians say).

4) The lack of a "dislike" button: It's nice to be able to click on the "Like" button to show one's appreciation of a mildly amusing status update or a link to a video featuring kittens wanting cheeseburgers, but what about showing your disdain or disapproval towards Cher Lloyd, Mike Ashley or cheeseburgers eating kittens?

3) How we are all making some Harvard sunavabitch rich by using Facebook even at no cost of our own: 'nuff said.

2) People who spend waaaaay tooo much time on Facebook: You know, those sad sad sad people who waste their meaningless lives by playing Farmville, word cross games on Facebook or even make top ten lists as a form of escapism from what they perceive to be a pretty shite life.

And at number 1, the thing that I hate most on Facebook is...
1) People who fucking tag you in a fucking photo that doesn't even fucking have you in that fucking photo, but rather, they just wanted to get your motherfucking attention so they could show off a photo of them carrying an LV bag or flaunting a Burberry dildo. What's worse than that?! People who tag you in a photo to get your attention of their business in selling shirts. Fucking T-shirts!!!!! T-SHIRTS!!!! TEEEE-SHAAARRRTTTTSSS!!!!

Fucking hell just as I was finishing off this list it happened again!!! Somebody "commented on a photo of me" which has less of me and more of.... FUCCKING HEELLLLL!!!! I know what you're thinking, something like this isn't really worth getting pissed off about, but after going through what I did this week... I... I'm sorry. I apologise. If you, dear reader, managed to read everything written here then, all I can say is, you wasted about 1 second to 60 minutes of your life, depending on how fast you can read. Still, thank you for your time, if you bothered to give any.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays. x

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